On the subject of “real” vacations (…and me baring a little of my pruned up, crotchety soul, please be patient!)…

There is a certain stigma to being unemployed and disabled, sometimes people say without thinking “It must be nice to have so much free time!” Certainly I have a lot of down time, but that isn’t really the same thing at all. Actual vacations I have had in recent memory: In 2004 Dove’s parents took us to Disney World. In 2006, Dove’s parents took us to Vegas. Both of these trips were specifically vacations – getting away, spending free time, and having fun, but also came along with the obligations of a family trip – great fun, but vacationing with your parents, you know? I ended up in Vegas again in 2007 for work, but spending all day working and then going out at night isn’t really the exact same thing as a vacation. When I was a kid we went to Maine for a few days, as a pre-teen I went on a class trip to Boston, as a teen I went with family to New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, and Massachusetts, and as an adult I’ve visited loved ones in Virginia, Florida, California, and Oregon… But you know, structured class trips and family vacations. Fun, yes, (I know, some people haven’t even had these chances, etc.*) but not really the kind of freedom one might look for – and many of those trips are now at 10 – 20 years behind me.

Going to shows locally is a great thing. While they do not match up to a good vacation, they are such welcome and refreshing respites from the daily struggles. I’m sitting here watching John Roderick on YouTube for the kajillionth time, and lamenting not knowing of him or The Long Winters sooner. I missed some clearly amazing shows (Time Machine Task #2, Task #1 is reserved for going back and making me not so much of an idiot). There’s also something else I realize as I sit here moved to tears, love, laughter, and a ton of other emotions – I love going to live shows because it is a rare time to feel connected. Not just to the performers, but to the music, the comedy, the storytelling, the whatever it is. Connecting in a real and tangible way to ideas, inspiration, other people, and all of the things inside that come alive when a piece of art really grabs you.

For so many years now I have longed for a good solid vacation. Something I define as something I don’t NEED to do, something *I* choose, something where I can pick and choose what activities I do because I WANT to do them, and something with enough of a safety net (my own room and restroom facilities, etc. So I can tend to various medical things in private, and sleep as much as I need to whenever I need to) to make everything smooth sailing. It would also be something where I don’t have to worry about anything, I don’t have to answer to anyone, I don’t have obligations, all I have is time and freedom.

If I’m dreaming, the top of my list? I’d like to go on the JoCo cruise. Maybe I can’t this year, maybe I’ll have to wait until next year when Paul and Storm get 100,000 sharks to pull the ship around… I’d also be fond of visiting Vancouver, NYC, San Fransisco, and I want to find some way to see Italy in 2016. 2016 would have been my grandfather’s 100th birthday, and since his passing I’ve felt compelled to carry out his life’s dream and see where his father was born. Given the disability and the economy, I’m not sure I can make that deadline. It breaks my heart a little, I don’t want to become my grandfather, talking about a goal my whole life and dying with no way to accomplish it.

“But that was a lie, I’m sorry. Just because someone is appearing to be super busy and showing some amazing projects, it doesn’t mean all is well behind the scenes, it doesn’t even mean they’re paying their rent.” – Ben

But that’s all dreaming. I have more urgent fish to fry.

I really need shoes soon, and due to the conditions I have, I can’t get them without trying them on, so putting up a wishlist for someone to buy them directly can’t happen. This is usually where I go, they’ve always been super helpful, and have really great return policies (which is good, because sometimes I need to walk at full stride for a half a mile before I find damning flaws or not. I’ve blown money on too many pairs of non-refundable shoes that I wore from stores to home only to find them unbearable. Speaking of feet, I could also use some new compression socks, since this swelling thing can be real pesky. And speaking of clothes, the washer in our building has eaten 12 bras in 3 years. I need new ones before I don’t have ANY. Speaking of supporting things, I’m currently without a backup drive, and let me tell you how the world will crumble if I loose my art files. I also need to back things up because I need to bring my system back before the warranty expires to have them fix some things (or else replace it, because it has been some elusive and tricky bugs in there).

So, you know… my woes are many. They always are, and there’s always something new. I just keep plugging away, doing what I can, and often it is pitifully little. I’m also running low on ideas. The store section here is literally just about every suggestion I’ve ever gotten for what I could do with my art that people might want to buy. Since I don’t have any way to reliably fund production, I rely on DIY/Print on Demand services (and that drives up price, I make little profit, and you pay too much). I need more ideas for how I can ply my trade, I guess (I miss “easily” being able to earn)**. Or more time. More and more I feel like I’m healing from a lot of mental and emotional wounds from the stress of previous jobs, and I’ve recovered some creative drive. Now I’m just trying to figure out how to work around the physical limitations to increase reliability.

 

Anywho, I’m off to yet another family vacation. I shall be boring you with photos and details before you know it! There’s one show I’ve been waiting for for four years (yes, I did that on puprpose)! I finally get to see Phantom (now THAT is a good idea for the special family activity!) !! It was work for me to understand it at first (what with the lack of chorus and structures I was more familiar with), Dove got me to watch the relatively recent movie, and it was my Warcraft guild (and a particular free-spirited singer) that helped me really love it, and when I was working in Vegas, it was at the Venetian, it WAS the Venetian – piped through nearly everywhere, all the time. Wish me luck and lack of melting in the desert in the summer!

(bye!)

 

*I’m sure it all can come across as being pretty entitled/privileged. Maybe it is. All I know anymore is that I’m tired, and dreadfully stagnant, and fed up with having to defend myself to people who don’t actually know me. I don’t for a minute feel like I “deserve” anything, but I see little wrong with wanting to get out and connect with the world, and relax. I can only do so much living vicariously through the internet.

**But boy oh boy do I want to do some serious painting again. I miss painting. I miss being able to wrestle with paint and canvas.